Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Trying this again!

Normally I'm VERY good at justifying my actions...but I really have no excuses and to be honest, I'm tired of spending so much time and energy coming up with excuses.

I'm still here, I'm still plugging away at life...and to be honest, life is pretty great right now (minus my weight.)

My hubby and I spent a week in Vegas at the beginning of June.  I was very apprehensive about the trip, but had a wonderful time and it was so great to be alone and spend some quality time with my husband.

We came home to a crazy busy time...my baby boy turned 5 just recently, which required two (yes 2) birthday parties.  We had a family party and we had a 'school friends' party at Chuck E Cheese.  I worked really hard to create (yep, they were creations) two birthday cakes for Munchkin #1.  The first was a Police Car (per his request) and the second was a Firetruck.  If I can toot my own horn, they were pretty amazing (and tasted delicious to boot.)

Just as we were coming down from the birthday festivities, my sister went into labour...delivering a beautiful baby girl last week.  I was there to help her through most of her labour, lovingly referred to as 'the comic relief - aka 'bitch.'  She did an amazing job and my little niece is proof.

Thrown into the mix is a grandmother who is not well and losing her battle on life, trying to keep my children entertained (busy weekends = tired and cranky kids who do not sleep through the night.)

There just hasn't been time to breath lately, let alone think about ME (see, despite my warnings, I'm still trying to justify.)

BUT...it's my turn!  Honestly, it's time for me to start thinking about ME...so that I can be a better person for everyone around me.

There have been so many little signs lately saying 'Smarten Up and lose weight.'  From wearing my HUGE bathing suit in the water this weekend and worrying about how I looked while playing with my kids, to the Life Insurance company calling me and telling me my premium was doubling because of my excessive weight.

I've been watching 'Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss' and it's really inspired me to get up off my butt and do something about it, if I'm so unhappy.

I went yesterday and bought 'Eat Clean: Recharged' by Tosca Reno.  It's come highly recommended by several people I know (from an internet forum) that have had great success with the plan (I believe it's more common sense than anything.)  So I'm going to try it...and better yet, I'm going to put my whold family on this new 'Lifestyle.'

I've chosen TODAY (June 21, 2011) to be my starting day...it just seemed right.  My husband proposed to me 8 years ago today...so it's a special and meaningful day.

Better yet, today is the LONGEST day of the year and the start of Summer.  What better time for me to start my transformation.

The Moment of Truth

I weighed in this morning at 7:30am and my starting weight is 267lbs.

GAH...I'm so disgusted and ashamed, but I have to start somewhere and lying to myself isn't going to help at all.

So, there it is.  I'm laying my weight out there, giving myself one year to do something, anything.  I'm going to make this work and lose this weight, once and for all.  I'm going to be a hot mommy, for everyone, but mostly just for me!  I deserve it.

And...I've run out of excuses!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Ever just have one of 'those' days?

*SIGH*  I seem to have them ALL.THE.TIME!

My mindset these days is definitely 'the glass is half empty' kind of mentality.  It sucks, no seriously, that kind of attitude sucks big time.

I just don't know how to change my thinking.  Honestly, I seem to let every day be 'one of those days' and get all frustrated, overwhelmed, exhausted and depressed/down.

After a very long night with my little 'Sweet Pea' (who I was not calling sweet last night) I woke up on the wrong side of the bed (sandwiched between the loudest snorer EVER and my little demon sweet pea.)  It was a long and painful night (literally stuck for 5 hours in one position so as not to wake said child or husband.)

I started in a grumpy mood and it hasn't really improved from there.  When my mood and my attitude suck, my eating completely goes out the window.  My resolve, my strength, my resistance, all become NON-EXISTENT.

But today, right now, I'm trying to change that.  When I normally am very weak and can self-talk my way out of anything, I've done my best to stay strong.  My eating hasn't been *perfect* today, but it's been much better than it could've been, had I given into my 'bad attitude.'

I resisted the extra coffees I desperately wanted (needed?) and instead chose a Hot Chocolate (not the best choice, as it was still high in calories, but at least it wasn't more coffee...sticking to my one coffee per day.)

I also desperately wanted a Smoked Salmon Wrap for lunch and instead opted for a Salad, but added Chicken (to make it a little more substantial.)

And when my *3:00 snacky, break time* came around, when again, I desperately wanted a coffee and something sweet, instead I had a small yogurt and followed it up with a Miso Soup.

So...all in all, my day today has been pretty good and I've managed to avoid temptation.  The true test of my will will come tonight, after the kids are in bed and I'm winding down from a long day.  The lunches will be made, laundry will be cycling through and I will start to get the munchies and get peckish (boredom...of course.)

Tonight, I have armed myself with English Muffins and Sugar Free Jam, Smart Pop Popcorn and Yogurt...hopefully one of those appeals to me.

*SIGH* when will this get easier? 

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Can 'Humiliation' motivate me...


This morning, I was delighted to find myself EARLY (for a change) and was able to buy myself my ONE coffee for the day, along with a healthy bowl of Oatmeal and Berries.  I walked onto the train and sat in my usual spot, only to come face to face with 'Mr. Sour-Pants.'

He scowled at me from the get go and was very sour that I sat down opposite from him (heck, I sit in the same darn seat EVERY morning.)  He scowled even more when two more passengers had to step over his unmoving legs to sit down in our little foursome of seats.

He scowled the whole train ride.  About 5 minutes from our destination, I finished my delicious coffee and went to 'Roll Up the Rim' (I did not win either.)  He then starts squirming around, patting his hands down his coat, looking from left to right, flapping his newspaper.  Finally, he rudely says to me 'Ugh, do you have a napkin, to wipe up the coffee you spilled on my shoe.'  I fumbled around in my pocket and found a napking, wondering if he expected me to wipe his shoe off (and trying to figure how I spilled coffee on his shoe, as it was on my lap the whole time.)

He snatched the napkin from my hand, wiped off his shoe and scowled even more at me.  My face turned BRIGHT red and I was humiliated beyond belief.  This man spoke to me and looked at me like I was a second class citizen.  He had such disdain in his voice and his eyes that it shocked me.

I'm not sure if it was due to my weight or what, but it humiliated me nonetheless and has spurned me on to lose this weight.  I hope one day, he can sit across from me on the train and I can look at him with disgust the way he looked at me.

Now that I've gotten that out of my system (and have stopped seething about it) how am I doing?

Well, I managed to have 2.5 liters of water yesterday, I had ONE coffee at 9:30 last night and avoided my 'before bed' snack (major accomplishment.)  We had spaghetti for dinner last night and while I had a smaller than normal portion, I did find myself picking off the kids plates after I was done.

So...I now know that I need to immediately throw the kids leftovers into the garbage and NOT snack on them after I'm done my meal.

This morning I woke up in a good mood (after a full nights sleep...thank you children!) and was doing really great until Mr. Cranky pants.  But I'm not going to let him spoil my day anymore.

Lunchtime is here...I've already finished 1 liter of water and am working on my 2nd.  I'm planning a sub for lunch (was going to have salad, but feeling like something a little more substantial.)

I'm planning the gym tomorrow at lunch.

And that's it...I will be back later today with my 'Day 1' exercise from my '100 Days of Weight Loss Motivation.'

I can do this, I can do this, I can do this...

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Starting Today!

Today is Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Today, I weighed in at 266.5 pounds.

Today, I opened up my Weight Watchers books to start tracking my food and eating healthy.

Today, I vow to drink 2.5 liters of water AT MINIMUM.

Today, I'm NOT going to drink Coffee.

Today, I'm not going to allow myself to say 'Tomorrow, I will do it tomorrow'

Today, I'm going to be proud of myself and who I am

Today, I'm going to do the best I can, be the best I can and live the best I can.


Changes for the next month...in the next month I'm going to:
~ Not eat sushi for lunch
~ Drink at least 2.5 liters of water everyday
~ Drink a maximum of 1 coffee a day
~ Exercise at least 3 times per week (increasing that by the end of the month to 4 times per week)
~ Track all my food for the next month, everything to be written down
~ Keep a positive mental attitude, keeping the negative thoughts out of my head

Finally had my 'Epiphany'

After months and months (and years and years really!)  I've finally had MY epiphany.

My family went away this past weekend Skiing.  It was a wonderful family weekend despite the downpour we received on the Saturday, while we all sat inside watching the snow melt away, wondering if we were actually going to make it skiing.

Sunday morning saw 8.5 inches of fresh powder...meaning we were 'going skiing!' 

I was SO NERVOUS as we got to the ski hill.  To be 100% honest, I hadn't skiied in over 4.5 years, cause the last time I had skiied I *barely* (and I do mean just barely) got my ski boots done up around my calf.

Two babies and about 45 pounds heavier, I did not think I would be able to rent a pair of boots that would do up around my legs.  I was nervous, upset, disgusted...you name the gamut of negative emotions and I was feeling them.

When we got to the rental desk, I was ashamed to admit, in front of all my family, to the attendant that I didn't think they would have boots to fit me.  The guy handing out the boots was so nice, he whispered to me 'No problem, I got you covered.'   I was SUPER skeptical, but he said he guaranteed they would fit...which was a good thing, cause had then not, I would be asking for my money back.

Low and behold he was right, they DID fit!  Hooray, I was going skiing.  I still had to admit to the guy handling the actual skis how much I weighed, and that to was mortifying.

But, we got outside to a sunny and glorious day.  My husband and one of my babies were all geared up and off we went.

I was MUCH more out of shape than I expected, and lugging around this additional 90 pounds of unwanted weight slowed me down (thankfully, my 2.5 year old didn't notice we weren't going as fast as we could've been.)

But my epiphany came as my daughter and I were riding the chair lift...I WANT to be able to do things like this with my kids.  I absolutely do not want to be worrying about my weight, worrying if it will slow me down or even stop me from doing certain activities with my kids.

This CANNOT and WILL NOT happen again, where I worry for days about whether or not I can participate in activities.  It almost happened, that my weight would've prevented me from being a part of my daughter's first time on skiis, her first time riding a chair lift, her first giggles as she said 'Faster Mommy, Faster.' 

I CANNOT let my weight hinder me any longer, I can't let these 'First' moment potentially slip me by because I haven't had the ability to change my weight.

So today marks the start of my NEW and HEALTHY lifestyle.  Next December, I want to be able to get back on skiis, to be able to wear a nice snowsuit, to not be winded as I help my children up and down the ski hills.  I'm not letting life pass me by anymore!

It took a goofy guy, in mint green sunglasses to show me that it's in my power not to lose out on life, and I'm going to do everything in my power to ensure that never happens again!

Friday, March 4, 2011

When life gives you lemons...

I make a VERY sour face!

As seems to be the theme with my last few years of 'winter months' January, February and beginning of March have been rather difficult and trying.

While I'm not making excuses, I have let life get the best of me and have been very 'down in the dumps.'  My pity party and poor me attitude is at an all-time high right now, while dealing with illness after illness in my household.  Just when I finally get one of us, another one of us gets sick.  It's a never ending, revolving cycle right now...which means I'm SUPER frustrated, running on very little sleep, many middle of the night wake-ups and run down myself. 

And when I get run down and overwhelmed, it seems (to me) that my life starts to crumble.  I just can't keep a good grasp on 'life.'  Something always suffers and usually it's me.  When I get overwhelmed like this, I make VERY bad choices (food choices mostly,) I stop exercising (was I exercising before?) my motivation, self-discipline, willpower, etc. go completely out the door.

So it's no wonder I am currently NOT losing weight (not gaining either) but not helping myself get to my goal. 

Okay, honesty, that's the policy right (cause I'm only hurting myself and I can't really lie to myself can I) I'm not doing a single thing, but eating.  I know I'm comfort eating, but I can't get a handle on it and make myself stop.

I'm tired, I'm grumpy, I'm sad and frustrated...I'm angry with the world right now (for oh so many reasons) and I'm just feeling so crappy that I want to just sit on the couch and eat...which is exactly what I'm doing.


What am I doing?  No seriously, what am I doing to myself.

I know I'm feeling so awful right now as a by-product of what I'm doing/done to my body.  I'm not eating properly, not exercising, not taking my vitamins or drinking my water.  No wonder I'm always tired and sluggish, look at what I'm doing to myself.

My family is going away this weekend...it's the first time in a VERY LONG time that we've all been together, away from home.  We are going to a cottage in a ski village.  Sadly, as much as I would LOVE to go skiing with my husband and my babies, I don't think I could get the ski boots done up around my calves.  How utterly disgusting and disappointing...I'm going to miss out on my babies first time skiing, because I'm too FAT to get the damn boots done up.

*SIGH* and this thinking just makes me feel worse, which in turn makes me feel like it's OK to eat somethign sugary or fatty or too much of something.

I need to STOP THE MADNESS!  I need for tomorrow to come!

Time for a weekend of thinking, plotting, planning!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

100 Days of Weight Loss: TODAY is Start Day

As I mentioned above, I've been searching for 'motivation' almost as much as I've been searching for Skinny.

In my quest, I came across several books that I will be using a Tools to help my weight-loss/mental rejuvenation.

One such book is: "100 Day of Weight Loss: The Secret to being successul on Any Diet Plan" by Linda Spangle.

This book is a Daily Motivator to help keep you successful in your weight loss efforts. And it's 100 days of daily activities to complete.

Here's my starting point!  Create a Vision for the future - write down at least 10 reasons why you want to lose weight and maintain your success. Here we go, in no particular order (and excuse my vanity, but it's definitely one driving reason.)

I) I don't want to be the FAT mom. I want my kids to be proud of me and to not feel embarassed by their Fat, Overweight mom.

2) I want to be able to DO things with my kids. I don't want my weight to hold me back from doing things with them (like being able to take my Son skiing, which I can't do right now as my calves won't allow a ski boot to close.)

3) I want to be able to shop in 'normal' sized stores - I want to be able to buy clothes from The Gap or from H&M. I hate having to shop only at Plus Sized stores.

4)I want to sit on my bum and bring my knees to my chin and be able to wrap my arms around my legs. I know it sounds stupid, but I've NEVER been able to do that before.

5) I want to be able to sit on the 'inside' seat on the Train - I don't want to only be able to sit on the end, so my fat butt can spill off the seat.

6) I want my husband to be proud of me and to be able to introduce me to co-workers without being embarassed.

7) I want to get a Tummy Tuck and a Breast Lift and I can't do that at this weight.

8) I want to get my wedding rings re-designed, and losing enough weight to necessitate this will make it much easier to convince my husband to do.

9) I want to feel pretty and be comfortable in my own skin.

10) I want to be able to cross my legs and have them stay crossed and I want to be able to cross my legs under a table.

11) I want to be able to wear a skirt and not be worried about my legs/cankles. And I don't want to have to worry about my thighs chaffing from rubbing together.

12) I want to have PRETTY matching bras and underwear and actually be proud to show them off to DH (instead of hiding under my clothes or with the lights off.)

13) I would like to actually have pictures taken of me, instead of hiding from the camera.  I want to smile and mean it when the camera comes around, not worry about my double chin showing

And my number one reason to lose weight I want to prove to myself and everyone close to me that I can DO IT, I am not a quitter, I can finish the things that I start, that I'm not a lazy, useless blob and that I can be successful.

WHEW...and that clearly shows I need to address more of the internal issues that are plaguing me.

Changing the outside by changing the inside first

I want to feel ashamed that I've been absent for SO LONG, but I'm CHOOSING not to feel this way.  Because, no matter how long I've been gone and how bad I've been, I've come back.  And getting up after I've fallen is a lot better than not getting back up at all.

So, I'm back!  I'm going to do my very best to stay for awhile this time.

My commitment and motivation are at an all time high right now.  Not because I'm going great, quite the opposite actually, I'm doing horribly in the weight loss category.  But I've finally chosen (there's a theme here) to shake this black cloud that has been following me since April 2010.

In my efforts to find motivation, inspiration, whatever you want to call it...I stumbled across two very significant weight loss 'tools' that actually ended up being one in the same.  Googling 'weight loss motivation' led me to the Pasta Queen wesie.  Within the same hour, pulling up 'weight loss books' at Kobo Books I was directed to 'Half Assed: A Weight Loss Memoir' by Jeanette Fulda.  Imagine my surprised when I discovered that Pasta Queen was the author of 'Half Assed.'

I'm not going to go into too much detail, as it's not relevant to anyone but me, BUT...this was a truly motivational book for me.  I actually sat with my blackberry beside me and wrote down quotes and phrases that I found impactful, so I could refer to them.

I also sat down to write 'my story' in which I started from the beginning to figure out where this obesity has come from.  I realize I need to change my insides before it will reflect on the outside.  I'm taking the steps to do that now.

The best quote I got from the book 'Half-Assed' was "People wait for motivation to find them, but they need to go out and find motivation." And "You just have to do it, even though you don't want to."

I don't want to do this, but I have to...I have to do it for my health, for my mental well-being and for my family.  The choice is to take control of my life or to sit here and let my wonderful life pass me by...and when it comes down to those two choices, I want to live and I want to enjoy my life.