100 Days of Weight Loss: TODAY is Start Day

As I mentioned above, I've been searching for 'motivation' almost as much as I've been searching for Skinny.

In my quest, I came across several books that I will be using a Tools to help my weight-loss/mental rejuvenation.

One such book is: "100 Day of Weight Loss: The Secret to being successul on Any Diet Plan" by Linda Spangle.

This book is a Daily Motivator to help keep you successful in your weight loss efforts. And it's 100 days of daily activities to complete.

Here's my starting point!  Create a Vision for the future - write down at least 10 reasons why you want to lose weight and maintain your success. Here we go, in no particular order (and excuse my vanity, but it's definitely one driving reason.)

I) I don't want to be the FAT mom. I want my kids to be proud of me and to not feel embarassed by their Fat, Overweight mom.

2) I want to be able to DO things with my kids. I don't want my weight to hold me back from doing things with them (like being able to take my Son skiing, which I can't do right now as my calves won't allow a ski boot to close.)

3) I want to be able to shop in 'normal' sized stores - I want to be able to buy clothes from The Gap or from H&M. I hate having to shop only at Plus Sized stores.

4)I want to sit on my bum and bring my knees to my chin and be able to wrap my arms around my legs. I know it sounds stupid, but I've NEVER been able to do that before.

5) I want to be able to sit on the 'inside' seat on the Train - I don't want to only be able to sit on the end, so my fat butt can spill off the seat.

6) I want my husband to be proud of me and to be able to introduce me to co-workers without being embarassed.
7) I want to get a Tummy Tuck and a Breast Lift and I can't do that at this weight.

8) I want to get my wedding rings re-designed, and losing enough weight to necessitate this will make it much easier to convince my husband to do.

9) I want to feel pretty and be comfortable in my own skin.

10) I want to be able to cross my legs and have them stay crossed and I want to be able to cross my legs under a table.

11) I want to be able to wear a skirt and not be worried about my legs/cankles. And I don't want to have to worry about my thighs chaffing from rubbing together.

12) I want to have PRETTY matching bras and underwear and actually be proud to show them off to DH (instead of hiding under my clothes or with the lights off.)

13) I would like to actually have pictures taken of me, instead of hiding from the camera.  I want to smile and mean it when the camera comes around, not worry about my double chin showing

And my number one reason to lose weight I want to prove to myself and everyone close to me that I can DO IT, I am not a quitter, I can finish the things that I start, that I'm not a lazy, useless blob and that I can be successful.

WHEW...and that clearly shows I need to address more of the internal issues that are plaguing me.

Changing the outside by changing the inside first

I want to feel ashamed that I've been absent for SO LONG, but I'm CHOOSING not to feel this way.  Because, no matter how long I've been gone and how bad I've been, I've come back.  And getting up after I've fallen is a lot better than not getting back up at all.

So, I'm back!  I'm going to do my very best to stay for awhile this time.

My commitment and motivation are at an all time high right now.  Not because I'm going great, quite the opposite actually, I'm doing horribly in the weight loss category.  But I've finally chosen (there's a theme here) to shake this black cloud that has been following me since April 2010.

In my efforts to find motivation, inspiration, whatever you want to call it...I stumbled across two very significant weight loss 'tools' that actually ended up being one in the same.  Googling 'weight loss motivation' led me to the Pasta Queen wesie.  Within the same hour, pulling up 'weight loss books' at Kobo Books I was directed to 'Half Assed: A Weight Loss Memoir' by Jeanette Fulda.  Imagine my surprised when I discovered that Pasta Queen was the author of 'Half Assed.'

I'm not going to go into too much detail, as it's not relevant to anyone but me, BUT...this was a truly motivational book for me.  I actually sat with my blackberry beside me and wrote down quotes and phrases that I found impactful, so I could refer to them.

I also sat down to write 'my story' in which I started from the beginning to figure out where this obesity has come from.  I realize I need to change my insides before it will reflect on the outside.  I'm taking the steps to do that now.

The best quote I got from the book 'Half-Assed' was "People wait for motivation to find them, but they need to go out and find motivation." And "You just have to do it, even though you don't want to."

I don't want to do this, but I have to...I have to do it for my health, for my mental well-being and for my family.  The choice is to take control of my life or to sit here and let my wonderful life pass me by...and when it comes down to those two choices, I want to live and I want to enjoy my life.

A Mixed Bag of Emotions

The last week has been a whirlwind, a virtual 'mixed bag' of emotions.  I honestly can't get my head on straight right now.

Last weekend started off with an Epic blowout with my husband, followed by a few very rocky and uncertain days in our relationship, complete with a makeup and makeover.  We had our family photographs done (anxiously waiting to see the 'sneak peak' from them...hoping I'm not disappointed in how I look) and finished off by my babies 2nd birthday (where has the time gone!)

I'm exhausted...mentally and physically exhausted.

Yet, I find I'm very restless right now...like I'm on edge.  I know I've been running like a chicken with my head cut-off the last week, but I still feel like something is off and I can't quite put my finger on it.

We ended up having Chinese Food last night, which was a huge mistake on my part, but we needed a quick and easy meal.  I topped off my crazy Sunday-evening routine by grabbing a fortune cookie on my way to bed.  My fortune read 'There is No substitute for Hard Work.'

UGH...there have never been truer words directed at me, especially now.  Cause it is totally the truth, especially in my case.

My weight loss/healthy living efforts have been non-existent the last two weeks...as have my bugeting/organized living/meal planning/healthy cooking/cleaning and all round domestic goddess responsibilities.  I have just completely stopped doing anything...and that's no way to live.

There has to be BALANCE.  I think that is what I'm looking for most right now, Balance and Peace.  And yet, I can't find it and have no idea how to even start looking for it.

So tonight, I'm going to end my evening getting myself and my children ready to start the day off right.  I'm going to set the coffee pot, get our clothes laid out and breakfast all ready to go.

And tomorrow, I'm going to start my day off right...and pick up where I left off in my efforts to change myself from the inside out.  I have a Yoga class penciled in for lunch tomorrow, followed by a healthy salad and litres of water to down.  I'm going to 'Stay Calm and Carry On.'

PS ~ I have been enviously eyeing a woman on the train for many months now.  This morning, as I pulled into a parking spot, she was right beside me.  I looked over and noticed she had TWO booster seats in her back seat...which means that not only is she my ideal woman (stylish, put-together, well polished, smart looking) but she has all this while also being a mother to two kids (I'm assuming anyways.)  And I realized, if she can do that...so can I.  So my goal over the next few months is to really polish myself up.  To stop looking and living like a slob.  To become the woman I'm so envious of, to be a woman that others envy.  And to start that all off, I'm going tomorrow to buy a satchel (just like the one my 'fantasy' woman carries) to start acting like a polished woman (instead of just a bag lady!)

To a wonderful start to tomorrow...wish me luck! (and I will be back tomorrow night to update on my day, it's clear to me that I definitely need to be journaling on a daily basis.)

My self-talk and self-justification

I have a WHOLE LOT I want to say on myself...my self talk, my self sabotage, my self justification, etc, etc, etc.

But I'm so very, very tired right now and need a good night of sleep.  So I will hold off on this until tomorrow (just didn't want to go a day without posting.)

I also had my first session with the counsellor, that I want to mull over.

And finally, the 'issues' with my family (after talking with the counsellor) that are bugging me right now.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I am going to enjoy it...even if nobody else cares (my parents said happy birthday as I was leaving their house tonight, my brother avoided and said he would remember tomorrow and my sister ignored me completely, despite my mom prompting her under her breath.)  So yeah, good times!

My babies did wish me a happy birthday already though, with a little coaching from daddy!  And that was very nice...makes me feel special!

So, happy birthday to me!

Finding the positives...

I am TERRIBLE at looking on the bright sides of things.  I am definitely an eternal pessimist and am always worrying about something.  I often find myself worrying about pleasing others...wondering if I said something wrong, did something wrong, if they are mad at me, if they are talking about me, etc.

Feeling like I'm not good enough to anyone (but mostly my husband, my children and my parents) is always present in my conscious brain.  I do spend an over abundance of time and energy worrying about stupid things, that really in the grand scheme of things, don't really matter.

One of the things I hope to achieve for myself over the next year is PEACE and ACCEPTANCE of myself.  I want to LOVE myself, I want to truly think about myself and feel good about me, feel happy and positive about the person that I AM, and not worry and stress about the person I'm not or the flaws I have.

I want to be proud of who I am, I was my husband to be proud of me and I want my children to be proud of me.  And really, those are the only people who's thoughts and opinions should matter.

But getting to that point is so much easier said than done.  This feeling of failure/not good enough is one I've had for as long as I can remember.  It's something so deeply ingrained in me, I almost always don't even notice I'm thinking such negative thoughts of myself.  And yet my self talk is so negative, so derogatory and so mean.  I would NEVER talk to someone like that, whether I liked them or not, so why do I talk to myself like that?

Why do I hate myself so much?

Hopefully, my journey over the next year will help me to figure these things out.  To answer these questions and get to a point where I no longer act and treat myself like this.  What a wonderful feeling it will be to focus on my positives rather than my negatives.

I am meeting with the counsellor tomorrow night and I'm hoping she can really help me find myself.  To actually figure out what my issues are, to guide me through exploring them and dealing with them.  I hope to acquire the tools to enable me to finally love myself and to treat myself with love and respect.

I have met her before and really liked this counsellor.  I found I responded well to her and I do believe that she can help me.  She's also a Christian counsellor (will add as much or as little God/Spirituality in her sessions as you want) but I did love that about her.  Knowing that I am a religious person and do take a lot of comfort in God and my relationship with him, I believe she can really lead me through this journey.

I'm very ready to succeed and I'm very ready to ask and accept help.  I know this time I will succeed, as failure is no longer an option.

Now, I drag my sad. discouraged butt to bed (my extremely LARGE butt no less, so says the measuring tape) and pray that tomorrow is a better day.  My hope and prayer is for strength and patience with myself tomorrow...and to stay away from the sweets!

My Starting Stats

To be accountable to myself, I suppose it's important that I keep a record of where I'm starting from so I know how far I've gone.

I started back on Weight Watchers this morning and as of 12:30pm today I weighed in at

250.6

My official starting weight is 250.6 lbs. 

My first goal of 5% is 12.5lbs

My second goal of 10% or 25 lbs

I`m also taking measurements and photos, which is something I`ve NEVER done before.

Measurements

Clothing Size - 18 or 20 (for pants) and a 2x or 3x (for shirts)

Neck - 14.5

Right Arm - 16.25

Bust - 49

Waist - 50

Hips - 50

Thigh - 30.5

Calf - 19.5

Wow...that upsets me so much to actually see those numbers written down.  There`s really no denying it now.

Clarity...what a wonderful thing!

First off, I've decided that I'm going to try to blog daily...and I suspect this will take many forms over the next year, but I want to see what it becomes and writing down my thoughts, feeligs, etc. will help me find myself over the next 365 days.

So...back to CLARITY!

Today, I started my day off pretty well.  I have two beautiful babies, my son (DS) is 4 years old and my daughter (DD) is just about to turn 2 at the end of August.  Being a mom is the most wonderful and rewarding thing I could ever imagine...but sleep has been a very limited notion to me over the last 5 years (those pregnancy days count as being sleepless!)  Last night, for the first time in a very long time, I actually got a full night of sleep.  We were in bed by 11:30pm and neither one of my children woke during the night (thereby waking me up.)

But, as is usually the case with me, more sleep tends to make me want even more sleep...so I did wake up a bit on the tired side and managed to hit snooze two or three times.

But the kids woke in a great mood, were happy to get off to their dayhome and I managed to make my morning train with time to spare.

And yet, I spent the whole morning looking at STUPID stuff on the internet today.  I somehow even managed to get myself on some Purse Forum (a whole forum dedicated to purses...who knew?)  Then I started looking for a new purse (I justified it as my birthday present to myself.)

Thankfully, I PROMISED myself that I would go to Yoga today (I belong to Goodlife fitness and there is a great location literally across the street from my office, so I quite often go during lunch to take a class.)  So I dragged myself to Yoga today, despite trying to talk myself out of it (in favour of shopping of course.)

But the class was REALLY TOUGH today.  I find it so challenging...yet it opened me up and gave me some clarity.

First ~ what have I done do myself over the last 4 months.  I've let myself totally go again, after working SO.VERY.HARD to get in shape and lose weight.  In April, I was going to the gym at least 4 days a week (sometimes 5 if I could swing it.)  And was really developing muscle tone, slimming down, etc, etc.  And yet, I am completely, right back where I started last October.  It's depressing...but in my moment of clarity, I realized that I have the power to change it and I have the power to ensure I NEVER go back to that again.

* And while my husband gets frustrated with all my attempts and failures...I've realized that as long as I don't completely give in to self-defeat and keep trying, I will eventually succeed.  So he's going to have to get used to all my attempts.

Second bit of clarity ~ what the heck am I doing spending my day looking at purses...seriously!  I WASTE a whole heck of a lot of energy doing useless things.  Why would I spend the whole morning looking at purses, purusing purse forums (still shaking my head at that one.)  I don't have the money to be buying myself a $700 Louis Vuitton purse and I seriously have much better things to be doing with my money than buying myself silly accessories. 

So, instead of treating myself to a new purse for my birthday, I've decided to put that money I would spend to good use and use it on renewing my Weight Watchers membership.  I really need to accountability that traditional meetings give me, so back to the meetings I go.

I'm going to start going to a lunch hour meeting on Wednesdays close to my office.  I'm going to keep my re-involvement to myself for now until I start seeing results again, but I know that being back in WW is where I need to be.  That while exercising is imperative for me (especially for my mind and well-being) my weight loss success is almost completely geared around my eating and diet.

Back to Weight Watchers I go, and I'm eerily excited about it.

So far, today has been a great day!  I'm basking in my post-Yoga soreness right now (while my body is tired, my mind is humming) and looking forward to tomorrow and getting back on the weight watchers program.

And here's hoping that my babies give me another bliss-full night of sleep!