Monday, August 30, 2010

A Mixed Bag of Emotions

The last week has been a whirlwind, a virtual 'mixed bag' of emotions.  I honestly can't get my head on straight right now.

Last weekend started off with an Epic blowout with my husband, followed by a few very rocky and uncertain days in our relationship, complete with a makeup and makeover.  We had our family photographs done (anxiously waiting to see the 'sneak peak' from them...hoping I'm not disappointed in how I look) and finished off by my babies 2nd birthday (where has the time gone!)

I'm exhausted...mentally and physically exhausted.

Yet, I find I'm very restless right I'm on edge.  I know I've been running like a chicken with my head cut-off the last week, but I still feel like something is off and I can't quite put my finger on it.

We ended up having Chinese Food last night, which was a huge mistake on my part, but we needed a quick and easy meal.  I topped off my crazy Sunday-evening routine by grabbing a fortune cookie on my way to bed.  My fortune read 'There is No substitute for Hard Work.'

UGH...there have never been truer words directed at me, especially now.  Cause it is totally the truth, especially in my case.

My weight loss/healthy living efforts have been non-existent the last two have my bugeting/organized living/meal planning/healthy cooking/cleaning and all round domestic goddess responsibilities.  I have just completely stopped doing anything...and that's no way to live.

There has to be BALANCE.  I think that is what I'm looking for most right now, Balance and Peace.  And yet, I can't find it and have no idea how to even start looking for it.

So tonight, I'm going to end my evening getting myself and my children ready to start the day off right.  I'm going to set the coffee pot, get our clothes laid out and breakfast all ready to go.

And tomorrow, I'm going to start my day off right...and pick up where I left off in my efforts to change myself from the inside out.  I have a Yoga class penciled in for lunch tomorrow, followed by a healthy salad and litres of water to down.  I'm going to 'Stay Calm and Carry On.'

PS ~ I have been enviously eyeing a woman on the train for many months now.  This morning, as I pulled into a parking spot, she was right beside me.  I looked over and noticed she had TWO booster seats in her back seat...which means that not only is she my ideal woman (stylish, put-together, well polished, smart looking) but she has all this while also being a mother to two kids (I'm assuming anyways.)  And I realized, if she can do can I.  So my goal over the next few months is to really polish myself up.  To stop looking and living like a slob.  To become the woman I'm so envious of, to be a woman that others envy.  And to start that all off, I'm going tomorrow to buy a satchel (just like the one my 'fantasy' woman carries) to start acting like a polished woman (instead of just a bag lady!)

To a wonderful start to tomorrow...wish me luck! (and I will be back tomorrow night to update on my day, it's clear to me that I definitely need to be journaling on a daily basis.)

Thursday, August 12, 2010

My self-talk and self-justification

I have a WHOLE LOT I want to say on self talk, my self sabotage, my self justification, etc, etc, etc.

But I'm so very, very tired right now and need a good night of sleep.  So I will hold off on this until tomorrow (just didn't want to go a day without posting.)

I also had my first session with the counsellor, that I want to mull over.

And finally, the 'issues' with my family (after talking with the counsellor) that are bugging me right now.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I am going to enjoy it...even if nobody else cares (my parents said happy birthday as I was leaving their house tonight, my brother avoided and said he would remember tomorrow and my sister ignored me completely, despite my mom prompting her under her breath.)  So yeah, good times!

My babies did wish me a happy birthday already though, with a little coaching from daddy!  And that was very nice...makes me feel special!

So, happy birthday to me!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Finding the positives...

I am TERRIBLE at looking on the bright sides of things.  I am definitely an eternal pessimist and am always worrying about something.  I often find myself worrying about pleasing others...wondering if I said something wrong, did something wrong, if they are mad at me, if they are talking about me, etc.

Feeling like I'm not good enough to anyone (but mostly my husband, my children and my parents) is always present in my conscious brain.  I do spend an over abundance of time and energy worrying about stupid things, that really in the grand scheme of things, don't really matter.

One of the things I hope to achieve for myself over the next year is PEACE and ACCEPTANCE of myself.  I want to LOVE myself, I want to truly think about myself and feel good about me, feel happy and positive about the person that I AM, and not worry and stress about the person I'm not or the flaws I have.

I want to be proud of who I am, I was my husband to be proud of me and I want my children to be proud of me.  And really, those are the only people who's thoughts and opinions should matter.

But getting to that point is so much easier said than done.  This feeling of failure/not good enough is one I've had for as long as I can remember.  It's something so deeply ingrained in me, I almost always don't even notice I'm thinking such negative thoughts of myself.  And yet my self talk is so negative, so derogatory and so mean.  I would NEVER talk to someone like that, whether I liked them or not, so why do I talk to myself like that?

Why do I hate myself so much?

Hopefully, my journey over the next year will help me to figure these things out.  To answer these questions and get to a point where I no longer act and treat myself like this.  What a wonderful feeling it will be to focus on my positives rather than my negatives.

I am meeting with the counsellor tomorrow night and I'm hoping she can really help me find myself.  To actually figure out what my issues are, to guide me through exploring them and dealing with them.  I hope to acquire the tools to enable me to finally love myself and to treat myself with love and respect.

I have met her before and really liked this counsellor.  I found I responded well to her and I do believe that she can help me.  She's also a Christian counsellor (will add as much or as little God/Spirituality in her sessions as you want) but I did love that about her.  Knowing that I am a religious person and do take a lot of comfort in God and my relationship with him, I believe she can really lead me through this journey.

I'm very ready to succeed and I'm very ready to ask and accept help.  I know this time I will succeed, as failure is no longer an option.

Now, I drag my sad. discouraged butt to bed (my extremely LARGE butt no less, so says the measuring tape) and pray that tomorrow is a better day.  My hope and prayer is for strength and patience with myself tomorrow...and to stay away from the sweets!

My Starting Stats

To be accountable to myself, I suppose it's important that I keep a record of where I'm starting from so I know how far I've gone.

I started back on Weight Watchers this morning and as of 12:30pm today I weighed in at


My official starting weight is 250.6 lbs. 

My first goal of 5% is 12.5lbs

My second goal of 10% or 25 lbs

I`m also taking measurements and photos, which is something I`ve NEVER done before.


Clothing Size - 18 or 20 (for pants) and a 2x or 3x (for shirts)

Neck - 14.5
Right Arm - 16.25
Bust - 49
Waist - 50
Hips - 50
Thigh - 30.5
Calf - 19.5

Wow...that upsets me so much to actually see those numbers written down.  There`s really no denying it now.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Clarity...what a wonderful thing!

First off, I've decided that I'm going to try to blog daily...and I suspect this will take many forms over the next year, but I want to see what it becomes and writing down my thoughts, feeligs, etc. will help me find myself over the next 365 days.

So...back to CLARITY!

Today, I started my day off pretty well.  I have two beautiful babies, my son (DS) is 4 years old and my daughter (DD) is just about to turn 2 at the end of August.  Being a mom is the most wonderful and rewarding thing I could ever imagine...but sleep has been a very limited notion to me over the last 5 years (those pregnancy days count as being sleepless!)  Last night, for the first time in a very long time, I actually got a full night of sleep.  We were in bed by 11:30pm and neither one of my children woke during the night (thereby waking me up.)

But, as is usually the case with me, more sleep tends to make me want even more I did wake up a bit on the tired side and managed to hit snooze two or three times.

But the kids woke in a great mood, were happy to get off to their dayhome and I managed to make my morning train with time to spare.

And yet, I spent the whole morning looking at STUPID stuff on the internet today.  I somehow even managed to get myself on some Purse Forum (a whole forum dedicated to purses...who knew?)  Then I started looking for a new purse (I justified it as my birthday present to myself.)

Thankfully, I PROMISED myself that I would go to Yoga today (I belong to Goodlife fitness and there is a great location literally across the street from my office, so I quite often go during lunch to take a class.)  So I dragged myself to Yoga today, despite trying to talk myself out of it (in favour of shopping of course.)

But the class was REALLY TOUGH today.  I find it so challenging...yet it opened me up and gave me some clarity.

First ~ what have I done do myself over the last 4 months.  I've let myself totally go again, after working SO.VERY.HARD to get in shape and lose weight.  In April, I was going to the gym at least 4 days a week (sometimes 5 if I could swing it.)  And was really developing muscle tone, slimming down, etc, etc.  And yet, I am completely, right back where I started last October.  It's depressing...but in my moment of clarity, I realized that I have the power to change it and I have the power to ensure I NEVER go back to that again.

* And while my husband gets frustrated with all my attempts and failures...I've realized that as long as I don't completely give in to self-defeat and keep trying, I will eventually succeed.  So he's going to have to get used to all my attempts.

Second bit of clarity ~ what the heck am I doing spending my day looking at purses...seriously!  I WASTE a whole heck of a lot of energy doing useless things.  Why would I spend the whole morning looking at purses, purusing purse forums (still shaking my head at that one.)  I don't have the money to be buying myself a $700 Louis Vuitton purse and I seriously have much better things to be doing with my money than buying myself silly accessories. 

So, instead of treating myself to a new purse for my birthday, I've decided to put that money I would spend to good use and use it on renewing my Weight Watchers membership.  I really need to accountability that traditional meetings give me, so back to the meetings I go.

I'm going to start going to a lunch hour meeting on Wednesdays close to my office.  I'm going to keep my re-involvement to myself for now until I start seeing results again, but I know that being back in WW is where I need to be.  That while exercising is imperative for me (especially for my mind and well-being) my weight loss success is almost completely geared around my eating and diet.

Back to Weight Watchers I go, and I'm eerily excited about it.

So far, today has been a great day!  I'm basking in my post-Yoga soreness right now (while my body is tired, my mind is humming) and looking forward to tomorrow and getting back on the weight watchers program.

And here's hoping that my babies give me another bliss-full night of sleep!

Monday, August 9, 2010

Today is the day!

I woke up this morning feeling great...energized, pumped, happy, etc!  And my energy level has slowly faded over the course of the day.

There is so much I want to do, want to read, want to look at, etc. that it overwhelms me.  Once I get overwhelmed, I shut's a terrible cycle really.  It's almost like I'm 'hyper' motivated and then when thngs build up too much, I retreat.  I withdraw back into myself, stop doing what I know to do, hide from myself, from others, from the world and promise myself that 'I can do it this once, because tomorrow I will start.'  It's this self-permission that's killing me.

So what do I want to say today...I want to tell myself to just stop!  Literally STOP, BREATH and go S.L.O.W.L.Y.

This isn't a race, I don't have to do everything perfectly...I just have to do it!

I currently have a lot of issues in my's a jumbled mess of EVERYTHING.  There is literally so many things dancing around in there that I can't focus or concentrate on anything.  I can't process any information, I can't create the motivation I need to start doing something and I can't find the energy to actually do anything.  It's a real mess and is affecting me, my husband, my children and my whole life.

So I've decided it's time to do something about it...I'm going to see a counsellor to see if she can't help me work out some of my 'issues' and get a little better 'mental health' going, so that my brain can decompress and shut down, so I can sort things out, deal with things, let things go, etc.

I'm really excited about this appointment, as I am extremely hopeful that she can help me.  And I know that she deals a lot with spirituality (God) in her sessions and I think that will be extremely helpful for me.

I'm also going back to the Naturopath to help me with the physical issues of my body.  To help me continue dealing with my weight, my lack of energy, my hormones and moods (all related to the PCOS I've been diagnosed with.)  I was making some great progress with the Naturopath in the spring when life got out of control and everything started falling apart.  I've now decided to return to her (despite my husbands lack of support...he doesn't believe in the Alternative Medicine) and continue on the regime she had built for me.  I definitely felt much more balanced and in control when I was seeing her.

My Birthday
As I mentioned in my first post, my birthday is this coming Friday and this is the launching of my total life/body/mind makeover.  I'm kicking off my birthday with a day dedicated to myself!

I am going to treat myself, pamper myself a little.  I'm going for a cut and colour on my hair and think I may just walk in, tell the stylist to do something different and dramatic.  I'm also going for a manicure and pedicure.  And I'm trying to get myself in for a massage and a wax (although it looks like the wax is going to have to wait.)

I may also treat myself to a new purse/wallet or some new workout clothes for the gym.

 So today is the day that I begin my journey...and I'm going to really try to focus on going slowly and not burn out too quickly.  I'm in this for the long haul, I've always been in this for the long haul, I just need to keep my focus, my drive and my motivation and just DO IT!

Tomorrow I work on finding what will keep me going.

Hitting Rock Bottom

It's taken a long time, but I finally think I've hit ROCK BOTTOM with myself!

And honestly, that is the best place for me right now! Because the only place I can go is up from here.

My life is amazing...absolutely amazing. I have a wonderful family, a husband who I love, two absolutely beautiful, smart and healthy children. I have a good job (even if I'm not in love with it) a gorgeous home that totally suits our needs, two cars, great friends, etc. etc.

But it's really is me! I have personally hit rock bottom with my body, my mind, my attitude.

To understand, I feel I need to lay it all out. I'm really unhappy and miserable with myself right now. I am so overweight (I would definitely be classified as Obese) and yet I can't seem to get control of my life or my eating habits to make a change.

At the start of 2010, I was doing amazingly well. I was losing weight (in total I had lost about 45lbs and have since gained 25 of that back.) I was going to the gym everyday, I was eating healthy, taking care of my body, cooking and preparing meals, watching what I ate...I was learning to love myself while getting healthy and losing weight.

Then a whole series of events halted all the progress I made. On April 3rd, my 95 year old grandmother passed away and that threw into a tailspin. Not only did my grandmother pass away, but I was diagnosed with an illness that really did a number on me. I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS.) I had been expecting the diagnosis, but actually having my suspicions confirmed by my doctor and hearing her say the words that 'You do have PCOS' was like a slap in the face.

My grandmother's death really hit me hard. Eventhough I wasn't super close to her, knowing that she was no longer there really devastated me. I was really down, really upset and in a 'funk.' I couldn't seem to crawl out of the hole...and it's only gotten deeper since.

I got out of routine. I stopped going to my weight watcher meetings, stopped going to the gym, stopped watching what I put in my mouth, stopped caring about losing weight....and it has quickly piled back on.

Just typing that disgusts me! I worked HARD to lose that weight and I was so proud of myself. I was proud that I was actually doing it, when I had failed so many times before. I was determined, focused, driven...and then I let life DEFEAT me.

I let myself down. Thankfully, my family has stood by me. Nobody has really drawn attention to the fact that I've put all this weight back on, but I know. I see it, I feel it, I live it!

My clothes aren't fitting and I've had to start pulling out my 'Super Fat' clothes again. My face and skin look awful. My asthma and allergies have gotten worse. My legs are aching, my feet are aching. I have no energy, no stamina, no drive. I'm just disgusting.

Add to that I feel worthless, like a failure, miserable and depressed...and basically I've hit ROCK BOTTOM.

So, as I said at the start, I have nowhere to go but UP! Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

On the eve of my 33rd birthday, I'm making the commitment (in writing) that I'm not going to give up on myself. I'm going to pull myself out of this black hole, I'm going to take control of my life.

I'm going to lose the weight I've gained back and I'm going to, once and for all, lose the weight I've been promising/trying to lose for the last 15 years. I'm going to work on making myself happy and finally loving myself. I'm going back to the gym to get myself healthy again...and I'm going to finally love myself.

So look year from now I'm actually going to accomplish all I set out to accomplish and on my 34th birthday I'm going to proudly look at myself and marvel at just how amazing I truly am. I can hardly wait for that day and will spend every day over the next year working to achieve my goal.