Finding the positives...

I am TERRIBLE at looking on the bright sides of things.  I am definitely an eternal pessimist and am always worrying about something.  I often find myself worrying about pleasing others...wondering if I said something wrong, did something wrong, if they are mad at me, if they are talking about me, etc.

Feeling like I'm not good enough to anyone (but mostly my husband, my children and my parents) is always present in my conscious brain.  I do spend an over abundance of time and energy worrying about stupid things, that really in the grand scheme of things, don't really matter.

One of the things I hope to achieve for myself over the next year is PEACE and ACCEPTANCE of myself.  I want to LOVE myself, I want to truly think about myself and feel good about me, feel happy and positive about the person that I AM, and not worry and stress about the person I'm not or the flaws I have.

I want to be proud of who I am, I was my husband to be proud of me and I want my children to be proud of me.  And really, those are the only people who's thoughts and opinions should matter.

But getting to that point is so much easier said than done.  This feeling of failure/not good enough is one I've had for as long as I can remember.  It's something so deeply ingrained in me, I almost always don't even notice I'm thinking such negative thoughts of myself.  And yet my self talk is so negative, so derogatory and so mean.  I would NEVER talk to someone like that, whether I liked them or not, so why do I talk to myself like that?

Why do I hate myself so much?

Hopefully, my journey over the next year will help me to figure these things out.  To answer these questions and get to a point where I no longer act and treat myself like this.  What a wonderful feeling it will be to focus on my positives rather than my negatives.

I am meeting with the counsellor tomorrow night and I'm hoping she can really help me find myself.  To actually figure out what my issues are, to guide me through exploring them and dealing with them.  I hope to acquire the tools to enable me to finally love myself and to treat myself with love and respect.

I have met her before and really liked this counsellor.  I found I responded well to her and I do believe that she can help me.  She's also a Christian counsellor (will add as much or as little God/Spirituality in her sessions as you want) but I did love that about her.  Knowing that I am a religious person and do take a lot of comfort in God and my relationship with him, I believe she can really lead me through this journey.

I'm very ready to succeed and I'm very ready to ask and accept help.  I know this time I will succeed, as failure is no longer an option.

Now, I drag my sad. discouraged butt to bed (my extremely LARGE butt no less, so says the measuring tape) and pray that tomorrow is a better day.  My hope and prayer is for strength and patience with myself tomorrow...and to stay away from the sweets!