Hitting Rock Bottom

It's taken a long time, but I finally think I've hit ROCK BOTTOM with myself!


And honestly, that is the best place for me right now! Because the only place I can go is up from here.

My life is amazing...absolutely amazing. I have a wonderful family, a husband who I love, two absolutely beautiful, smart and healthy children. I have a good job (even if I'm not in love with it) a gorgeous home that totally suits our needs, two cars, great friends, etc. etc.

But it's me...it really is me! I have personally hit rock bottom with my body, my mind, my attitude.

To understand, I feel I need to lay it all out. I'm really unhappy and miserable with myself right now. I am so overweight (I would definitely be classified as Obese) and yet I can't seem to get control of my life or my eating habits to make a change.

At the start of 2010, I was doing amazingly well. I was losing weight (in total I had lost about 45lbs and have since gained 25 of that back.) I was going to the gym everyday, I was eating healthy, taking care of my body, cooking and preparing meals, watching what I ate...I was learning to love myself while getting healthy and losing weight.

Then a whole series of events halted all the progress I made. On April 3rd, my 95 year old grandmother passed away and that threw into a tailspin. Not only did my grandmother pass away, but I was diagnosed with an illness that really did a number on me. I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS.) I had been expecting the diagnosis, but actually having my suspicions confirmed by my doctor and hearing her say the words that 'You do have PCOS' was like a slap in the face.

My grandmother's death really hit me hard. Eventhough I wasn't super close to her, knowing that she was no longer there really devastated me. I was really down, really upset and in a 'funk.' I couldn't seem to crawl out of the hole...and it's only gotten deeper since.

I got out of routine. I stopped going to my weight watcher meetings, stopped going to the gym, stopped watching what I put in my mouth, stopped caring about losing weight....and it has quickly piled back on.

Just typing that disgusts me! I worked HARD to lose that weight and I was so proud of myself. I was proud that I was actually doing it, when I had failed so many times before. I was determined, focused, driven...and then I let life DEFEAT me.

I let myself down. Thankfully, my family has stood by me. Nobody has really drawn attention to the fact that I've put all this weight back on, but I know. I see it, I feel it, I live it!

My clothes aren't fitting and I've had to start pulling out my 'Super Fat' clothes again. My face and skin look awful. My asthma and allergies have gotten worse. My legs are aching, my feet are aching. I have no energy, no stamina, no drive. I'm just disgusting.

Add to that I feel worthless, like a failure, miserable and depressed...and basically I've hit ROCK BOTTOM.

So, as I said at the start, I have nowhere to go but UP! Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

On the eve of my 33rd birthday, I'm making the commitment (in writing) that I'm not going to give up on myself. I'm going to pull myself out of this black hole, I'm going to take control of my life.

I'm going to lose the weight I've gained back and I'm going to, once and for all, lose the weight I've been promising/trying to lose for the last 15 years. I'm going to work on making myself happy and finally loving myself. I'm going back to the gym to get myself healthy again...and I'm going to finally love myself.

So look out...one year from now I'm actually going to accomplish all I set out to accomplish and on my 34th birthday I'm going to proudly look at myself and marvel at just how amazing I truly am. I can hardly wait for that day and will spend every day over the next year working to achieve my goal.